Life's Sweetest Moments (a novel)

The fact that I haven't blogged or posted anything on Facebook as of late should be a testament to the craziness that has been our lives as of late. Another testament to the craziness would be the fact that it's taken my body 4 days to recuperate; I finally feel semi-normal today and actually had the energy and desire to clean my neglected home. I might yet break down the past few weeks into separate blogs for the sake of photos I want to share, but I dedicate this blog to a few photos and lots of reflection on how blessed I am and how much I love my life.

These are sneak peeks at our family photos taken by Nicole Hoxie. Love them.

My angel blowing kisses.

The love of my life.

Best. Kisser. Ever.

18 months. 18 months ago my best friend and sister Lisa entered the Missionary Training Center for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She had been called to serve in the Tampa Florida Mission, Spanish speaking. Having served a mission myself, I knew the amazing experiences that awaited her - the love she would develop for the Gospel, Christ, and the people she taught. I knew that the mission would change her personally, she would become her best self and would see the divine potential she has. And yet, how my heart ached when she left. I missed her more than I knew possible. During these 18 months, I too changed; I gained a greater testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and its power to heal broken hearts and comfort troubled souls. With time, trust and tenacity, my joy overpowered my loneliness.

Every Sunday night I would write her emails updating her on life at home, asking her questions about her mission, and sharing some of my mission stories and experiences. Looking back now, I have one of the most complete journal accounts of my life since my own mission. And although I know my letters helped Lisa, they did more to inspire and encourage me than I'm sure they did her! Monday mornings I would wait for my phone to buzz and beep with an email notification - all too often it would be some email with coupons, discounts or offers - talk about a let down! I loved knowing that we were online at the same time, exchanging emails back and forth; it made it seem like we really weren't that far apart. I think I laughed out loud and cried through every single email of hers. My goodness, she inspired me to be a little better each day, to strive to be my best self. Her letters awoke all the emotions I felt on my mission: joy, disappointment, humility, faith, discouragement, determination and above all, love. My mission seemed clearer and closer than ever, and I remembered what I had learned. My mission is a part of me; it always will be. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it in some reference. I miss it. But by reading Lisa's emails, it was as though I got to serve another mission - I was serving through her. I am eternally grateful that Lisa chose to serve. I have learned so much from her and her example of love, joy and service.

It's no secret that I started counting down the days until she'd return the day she left. Roughly 535 days. (I didn't know her exact release date). I remember when we hit 200 days, then 100. My heart started to race around 30 days left. I was so so so excited to see her, to hug her, and to hear her laugh. My sister has one of the greatest, if not THE greatest, laugh ever; it's ridiculously contagious and extremely loud. I love it. The last 60 days actually flew by - not because I missed her any less - but because wedding plans were in full swing. Yes, my baby sister Michelle (who had also been called on a mission - to Portland, Oregon) had fallen in love with Josh Moody, her boss' son. Hilarious, and fitting. I married an elder from my mission, she marries her boss' son; I can't wait to see who Lisa falls in love with! I was busy making flowers, finding accessories, creating decor items, planning the backyard layout, and desperately searching for bridesmaid dresses. It was a crazy time, and I am so grateful for such an incredible distraction. Without the wedding I probably would have lost my mind with the sheer anticipation of Lisa's homecoming. 

A novel. This will be a novel. Haha.

Because of the timing of Lisa's homecoming and Michelle's wedding, I ended up staying in Livermore for 3 weeks with Olivia. Aaron flew in and out for the important events, but of course had to work; someone had to pay for all my wedding shopping sprees. :) I drove up with Livi a few days sooner than planned in an effort to relieve a little wedding stress; my Mom and I talked daily and there was too much to do being apart. Although it was only a few days, we accomplished much. The end goal was to have as much ready as possible for the wedding so we could focus on Lisa and her homecoming. Going into those 2 weeks, and even in the months prior, I knew that it was going to be a difficult week and a half for Lisa. She would be dealing with the pain of getting released from her mission, the awkwardness of acclimating to "normal" life, the heartache of "losing" her little sister, and the stress of wedding plans and set up. Basically, despite our best efforts, and we did do all that we could, Lisa was coming home to WWIII. Let me be clear - WWIII with respect to the chaos of wedding plans the week of the wedding.  

Finally - February 29, 2012 arrived. Hallelujah!!!! I remember feeling absolutely sick to my stomach all morning and afternoon anticipating her arrival. Her flight got in at 4:10pm, how cruel to make us wait all day! But we were grateful for the extra time to make sure everything was perfect for her. My mom had vinyl banners made to hang at the house, we made tons of posters to take to the airport and put up at home, we bought balloons, cleaned house, prayed for sun (it was raining that day), and showered (and yes, that is a feat in and of itself!). Mom, Dad, Michelle and Jordan drove in the van while Aaron, Olivia and I followed in our car. We were quite the sight with our Hawaiian lei's, jumbo sunglasses, party hats, and posters....oh wait...that's right...we forgot the posters!!! We had all thought that someone else was going to grab them. We were sorely disappointed. But that didn't last long. I struggled to get Liv's hair done, but again, it was a welcome distraction. Dad kept checking her flight status on the board. It said "on time" forever. 

Suddenly Dad yelled out, "it's landed!!!" Yes, the flight status went from "on time" to "landed"; no "arriving", no notice. We scrambled to get our fun garb on, cameras ready, and in place at the end of the exit. We anxiously watched for her to appear. And then it happened - someone spotted her!!! We all squealed and then laughed as we watched her put her things down so she could put her cardigan on. It seemed to take her ages to make it down the hall to us. In that moment I remember feeling such joy at seeing my little sister. We'd made it! We'd survived! She was home! Mom was the first to hug and kiss her - then Dad - then me and Livi. It was heaven on earth to hold her, I was laughing and crying and so overcome with emotion. Olivia was a little taken back by all the emotion, and although she could point out Auntie Lisa in pictures, it's another thing to see her in real life. She was a little nervous and shy, but did eventually go to her. Michelle and then Jordan hugged her, and lastly Aaron - our videographer. It was a little awkward, but funny that a member of the Church happened to be sitting near Lisa on the flight and he stood off to the side to watch all the commotion. Missionary homecomings really are incredible though. Even now, here I sit typing through tears. What a sweet sweet sweet experience. I feel so blessed to have sisters that are my best friends - so blessed to have the close relationships that I do with each of them. 

Waiting for Lisa's plane to land! I love Livi's face in this photo. 

She's here!!!! 

Livi meets her Auntie Lisa.

After the initial hugs and hellos, the giddiness set in. We all laughed, hugged some more, and managed to get a few photos of us all together again. Lisa just beamed with the Spirit. There was a light - an almost tangible light around her. Having her home instantly brightened our lives, and we felt complete. LISA WAS HOME!!! The moment was only slightly tarnished by the fact that although Lisa was home, her luggage was not. It hadn't made the last connecting flight from SLC to Oakland and would be delivered later that night. Aaron was so sweet and suggested that I drive home with the family. The original 6 Phelps were together again in the van. Ah, the van. It really has become a member of the family. I don't remember much of what we talked about, I just remember smiling so much my mouth hurt. I loved watching Lisa's face as we rounded the corner to our house - even with the wind and rain, our banners were there to greet her! She kept saying how weird it was to be home, surreal even. It was amazing to have her home again. I didn't want to leave her side, although I knew she wasn't going anywhere, I felt as though if I left her she'd be back in Florida somehow. Haha. We had Strings takeout for dinner. Delicious.  And then it was off to President Alexander's for her release.

I remember vividly my release. For whatever reason, we were rushed to get to President Probst's house - but I managed to steal away a few minutes to kneel in prayer at my bed. I was so overcome with emotion. I was Hermana Felps. A missionary. A servant of Jesus Christ. A representative of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I knew that shortly I would have to remove my tag, and the missionary mantle would be taken from me. I felt a physical pain, a real heartache. I remember expressing deep gratitude to Heavenly Father for my mission, and I realized that as happy as I was to be home with my family, I wanted to go back to Chicago - I didn't want to be released. I prayed for strength, and off we went. 6 years later, I don't remember what President Probst said, but I do remember the feelings I had. I had a spiritual witness that my service had been accepted by the Lord, I felt an assurance that I had done all that was asked of me, and I felt outpouring of love from God. But I also felt pain and heartache as I was asked to take off my tag. The tears streamed down my face; I felt as though a part of me was gone. The release was real, the mantle was lifted. In the days and weeks that followed I struggled to figure out who I was and how I fit into real life. I missed the people, the language, the culture, the food, the experiences, the mission. With time, however, I realized that my mission would always be a part of me, and that the woman I had become as Hermana Felps was still me - just under a different name - Kristen.

Driving to Lisa's release, I hoped she had had the time she needed to kneel in prayer before Heavenly Father. I knew what awaited her, and I prayer fervently for her in my heart. I cried through the entire experience. As did most everyone. The Spirit was so strong in President Alexander's home. Lisa shared her testimony of the Savior, and I could feel that God was near. And when she was asked to remove her tag - wow - it was as though he had asked me to do the same. I just ached for her. I can't express adequately the tenderness of that moment, it is something so personal. Suffice it to say, I know that our Heavenly Father knows us by name, and He knows our efforts.

We didn't have near enough time to hear about Lisa's mission, one night just wasn't enough. I can't wait for her to come down to stay with us for a few weeks - I want to hear about it all in great detail. Oh - and another heartbreak - when Lisa's luggage finally arrived, she discovered her harddrive had been stolen. It had all of her mission photos and music. Everything. Gone. Thankfully, we had some photos backed up here at home, and she hadn't erased her memory cards. She did, however, lose all her MTC photos and 2 1/2 months of her mission. Anyhow - as I said earlier, we did our best to put the wedding aside - but eventually the necessity of planning and preparing took over. And as if the emotions of Lisa's homecoming weren't enough - I was now faced with the reality that my baby sister was getting married.

That Saturday, Michelle received her Endowment in the Oakland Temple. Because of the sacredness of the experience, I will say only this - it was incredible to be in the Celestial Room with my husband, my parents, my sisters, and my soon to be brother in law. How I wished Jordan and Olivia could be there. My heart really did long for them to be in the temple with us. It helped solidify in mind the importance of living an obedient life so that my family can be together forever.

There is far too much to write about with regards to the wedding preparations. Bottom line: I absolutely LOVED helping to plan Michelle's wedding. Loved it. Michelle's vision of a classy vintage chic wedding and bright spring colors was so her and so perfect. I discovered Pinterest during the planning stages, and I am now an addict. I finally taught myself how to make fabric rosettes, and several hair clips and rings later, I'm excited to learn how to make more accessories! I called Mom every day. Seriously. And I talked to Michelle as often as her schedule would allow. My poor sister - working full time and planning a wedding is super tricky, even more so when your fiancee is in school (I know from personal experience) - and even more more so because she had no sisters or mom in Utah. I am so grateful to her pseudo sisters and moms that were there to fill in! :)

I must interject something here about my relationship with Michelle. I have always loved my sister, but given the years between us, we were always in completely different stages of life. We really didn't know that much about each other. I always watched her with Lisa and I was almost envious of their connection. Envious isn't the right word, I just knew that I wanted to develop my relationship/friendship with Michelle. Chelle moved to Utah, and I was able to spend more time with her - but it wasn't until Lisa left that I feel like we finally connected. And it makes sense - we both lost Lisa and had to cling to each other. How grateful I am in that regard that Lisa did choose to serve a mission. I discovered what an amazing, selfless, humble, hilarious, quirky sister I have! (I love you Chelle). We had real conversations about life, relationships, and family; we did crazy things together, just having fun and getting to know each other. Michelle, after my Mom, was my lifesaver during those first few months with Livi. Having had a C-section, my recovery was a little longer than I had expected. Mom had to fly home, and I remember after saying goodbye to her I felt completely overwhelmed. I knew that I had Aaron, Michelle, Grammy, Grandpa and my entire Erickson family - but in times of high stress and new motherhood, I only wanted my mom. I haven't always been very good at asking for help, how blessed I was to have a sister who saw how to help me without me asking and often before I knew I needed the help. She would show up at my door with groceries and her overnight bag - taking shifts through the night so I could sleep. She cleaned my house, cooked us dinner, tended Livi, talked with me for hours on end, and just gave of herself. When we were packing our house to move to California, Michelle was there during any spare moment she had - packing boxes, going through the garage, cleaning, and organizing. I realized then that my baby sister had grown up.

Since those first months after Lisa left and Olivia was born, my friendship with Michelle has only become stronger. I have depended on her and laughed with her. She has been a voice of hope and optimism when I needed her most. During her decision making process to serve a mission, I experienced much of what I felt with Lisa, but this go around, I felt the joy sooner. However, I did not love the idea that I would be without BOTH of my sisters. I must admit that I was relieved when I heard she had started to date Josh, and excited when I saw how quickly they were falling in love. After meeting Josh in October, I knew he was the one. It was as though we'd known him forever, seriously. And then it started to set in that they would be getting married, and my relationship with Michelle would change again. Rather than focus on the fact that Josh was applying to med schools in the mid-west, thereby moving my sister far from me, I chose to focus on all the new ways in which Michelle and I would be able to relate - marriage, men, and motherhood. I loved talking about how amazing marriage is, about wedding plans, and about the future. By sharing with her my experiences with my marriage, I realized how incredibly blessed I am. I married the love of my life in the right place at the right time. Although there have been tough tough times, I know that Aaron loves me unconditionally, and I love him - and I know that we can't live without each other. I realized how true it is that when you center your lives on Christ, everything else either falls into place or falls out of your life. I realized that Mom and Dad were right. About everything. I heard myself giving Michelle the same counsel they gave me. Funny how that happens.

We threw her a bridal shower - it was so fun - running late, technical difficulties, burnt fondue chocolate and all. All the planning, last minute shopping, talking, decorating, more talking - everything came together. Given all that we had going on, I was surprisingly calm during most of the week. It wasn't until Wednesday evening that I finally cracked under the pressure a bit; I felt much better after picking Aaron up on Thursday, my backup had arrived. After a good cry and long hug from my hubby, my optimism and energy returned.

The Moody's flew and drove in that same night. Friday morning we all met, and it was crazy how easily our families got along and got things done! We really enjoyed the weekend with them, setting up for the reception, going to Terra Mia for a family dinner, playing bocce, talking, making s'mores, and talking some more. I felt completely at ease with them, and I look forward to getting to know them all better in the future. The night before the wedding, we sisters were up late chatting - it would be the last time the three of us would be together for awhile. We were all tired and anxious about the next day, but I remember feeling so much love for my sisters.

Me and my beautiful sisters. LOVE.

The wedding day itself was perfect; except for the part where I couldn't find my temple recommend, we consequently were running late, and barely made it to the chapel before folks went up to the sealing room because the temple recorder took his time calling my bishop. But we did make it, and with time to spare. By the time Michelle and Josh entered the sealing room, my heart rate had normalized and I was completely at peace and composed - that is, until I saw my sister kneeling across the altar from her soon to be husband. There I was looking at her, thinking how impossible it was that she was old enough to get married! She looked stunning; her joy was so apparent. I could see how much she loved Josh, and I could see how much he loved her. As I watched them, I remembered my own wedding day, and all those emotions came flooding back. I was overcome with emotion. The rest of the day passed quickly - there were tons of photos at the temple, reception set up in between, and then the reception that had to end promptly at 6pm so the bride and groom could make their flight. It really did fly by. I was grateful for the hug I was able to steal before she hopped in the limo, I almost didn't let go.

By far the most gorgeous couple at the temple that day.

You will notice that my daughter had had enough of pictures!

The temple crew, missing a few (not everyone stayed for photos)

My little family at the reception. MORE LOVE.

Still, the thought of her actually being married didn't hit me until the day after her wedding. That's right, the day after. Waking up at home, getting ready for church, and then realizing she wasn't in her room, she wasn't getting ready in the bathroom, she wasn't there. It hit me hard that morning. I missed her. A lot. Thoughts started racing, had I taken advantage of our time together? Had I given too much advice? Did she know how much I loved her? Why hadn't we taken more pictures of our everyday life that week before the wedding? A peace then came over me, and an assurance. I knew that I had taken advantage of our time, I had all the memories to prove it. I was crazy happy for her - her wedding day had been beautiful and she was on her way to what would be an incredible honeymoon in the BAHAMAS with the love of her life.

And here's the summary - these last few weeks have reminded me of how sweet a life I have. I love my life. It comes with its fair share of trials and tribulations, but I have been sumamente bendecida. I have such fond memories of the time spent with my parents, my sisters, my brother Jordan, and my little family (Aaron and Livi). I am so grateful for the relationships and friendships I have with my family. We are all so close now. It makes me even more excited for the years to come, when even Jordan is married! The age gaps will continue to close, and our love for each other will only grow deeper. I haven't said anything about Jordan or my parents really - but I must make note of how living with them for 10 months has forever changed my relationship with them, for the better. I am so grateful for my husband Aaron and my beautiful and sweet daughter Olivia Rose. They are my life. I know that I do not deserve so grand a life, but I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who in His mercy has blessed me with such. It is because of Him and His Son Jesus Christ that I can have hope for a glorious eternity with those I love.